I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
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If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Just so funny
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”