Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
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Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
The cake is mightier than the sword.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*