Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
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All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Now this is how you LinkedIn
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.