“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.