AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
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guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.