Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Don’t we all.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.