It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle