This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
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If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16