Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If only.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”