I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.