I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”