hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.