We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
You Might Also Like
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.