*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
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I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Don’t forget to tip your server
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…