Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
You Might Also Like
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I’m awake but I object,
How wrong was this guy?
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!