You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
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Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I saw this ending much differently.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.