[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
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He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.