[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
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next question.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back