*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.