Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*