Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
You Might Also Like
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
be careful
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom