Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
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Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment