I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils