A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
You Might Also Like
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me irl
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.