Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
that wasn’t the question
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.