Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
handsome & gretel
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program