I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*