me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
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JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?