WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
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Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.