I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
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[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.