Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.