“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions