wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
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What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.