Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
fair
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Florida man
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket