You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO