Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
eggs benadryl
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station