My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
I wish all tests were things you peed on