One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.