Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
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Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed