“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Love is in the air fryer.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign