[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
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When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?