I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do