I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days