Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Breaking news:
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.