I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.