Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Previously On Persistence 😎
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮