Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Lassie, get help!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming