People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Um … Hot Wings please
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.