Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.