“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
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NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
This a good idea
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something